So many nights are like this.
I wake up, with a start, ususally to feed the wee one, and then never fall back to sleep. My mind keeps me from it. I wake up and beginning dreaming the day, finding all sorts of thoughts in the back of my mind somewhere. Never are they too pressing, never too important. Just there. And rolling through my head swiftly with no real rhyme or reason.
Some mornings I used to wake up dreaming stories before I even open my eyes. I loved those mornings. Those are the mornings I felt wonderful. Well rested, happy, and so very present in my body. I haven't had one of those in probably over a year now.
Children change a lot in that sleep world.
When my big girl was little, when we first moved to this town, my sweetheart would wake up out of nowhere and listen to her breathing. I had never even worried like that, but here he was- very aware of her ins and outs...even in sleep. When we first moved here her and I were still sharing a bed, as we had been since she was born. And at three years old, she was ready for her own sleeping space. And I was ready for it. I slept fitfully then- worse then now even. She was a restless sleeper, and I picked it up in my dreams.
I love sleeping with my children, it brings a sweetness that there is nothing to compare it to...I just often miss the solid crash of sleeping alone. Like there is no other world to live in beyond your dreams.
I remember when I was a child, tucking my feet around the edge of my bed, laying on my belly, fifty pounds of blankets over me. Sleeping like the world was still easy.
Is that what it is like for my daughters? I hope so. Nothing could be so sweet.